A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and talking with the barkeep. Another young man walks in and sits besides him. He says, "How you do?", hears the lilt in his reply and says, "You be Irish"? "Yes I am", the second man replies. The first man yells, "Barkeep, give us another round and one for my friend here, he’s from the mother country as well". The second man asks, "So where in the old country ye from?" "Dublin", responds the first. "Dublin you say - so am I". The second man hollers, "Barkeep, bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here".
Afterwards the first man asks, "From where in Dublin do you come from?", the second man responds with the name of the street that he lived on. The first man says, "Well I’ll be - so am I" and yells barkeep, "Another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the two of us". The phone behind the bar rings, the barkeep answers it – it’s the Owner of the Pub on the phone. The Owner asks, "How is business?" The barkeep responds, "Not bad, the O’Malley twins are here getting drunk again".
An Irishman, an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, and the food exceptional.
"Y'ken," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there's a wee bar called MacTavish's. Now, the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks, he will buy the 5th drink for you."
"Well," said the Englishman, "at my local, The Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first two."
"Ahhh, that's nuttin," said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's O'Driscoll's Bar. Now, the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."
"Really?" said the Englishman, "did this actually happen to you?"
"Not me meself, personally, no," said the Irishman, "but it did happen to me sister."
An old man jogs into a greengrocers and much to the greengrocers surprise lies on the floor and starts to do some press ups. The old man counts to fifty and then stands up only to jog on the stop and do the occasional star jump and flex his arms. "Guess how old I am today" says the old man "Oh I don't know, you seem really fit and you can do all those push ups. You're 59 ?" guesses the greengrocer "Wrong. I'm 97" says the old man as he bounds out the shop and jogs into the shop next door. Again the old man performs his fifty push ups and when he's finished he is still jogging on the spot. "Guess how old I am today" says the old man "You're really fit. You can't be a day over 60" replys the shop keeper "I'm 97 and fit as a fiddle" says the old man as yet again he jogs out the shop along the street and into the local newsagents. The old man performs his fifty push ups and yet again continues to jog on the spot, jumping and flex his arms. "Guess how old I am to-day" asks the old man of the shopkeeper "You're a very spry old man. You surely can't be more than 60?" "97 but I'm fit as a fiddle". The old man exits the establishment and jogs further along the street until he gets to a bus stop where a little old lady is waiting with two big bags of shopping. The old man decideds to impress her and performs his little rountine of fifty push ups and jogging on the spot. "Guess how old I am today" "Oh I don't know" replys the little old lady "Here hold my shopping and I'll tell you" The old man takes the two bags of shopping holding one in each hand when to his surprise the little old lady holds onto the waistband of his trousers and using her other hand has a fumble around his underwear department. "You're 97" proclaims the little old lady proudly when she's finished having a rummage "Amazing. You can tell that just by investigatibg my sock drawer?" "Oh no" says the little old lady "I was in the greengrocers
There is a frog stuck in the pond. A woman see him and the frog says:" If you help me you may have 3 wishes. But you have to remember that your husband gets it 3 times as much as you do!" The woman helps the frog and makes her first wish. "I wish that I'm the most beautiful woman in the world!" The frog says:"Okay, but remeber you husband will be 3 times as beautiful as you!""Thats not a problem,"the woman says:"As long as I'm the most beautiful womand he wont leave me!" Second wish.."I want to be the richest woman in the world!"The frog says:"okay but you husband will be 3 times richer!""Thats not a problem,"the woman says:"we are married so everything thats mine is his and his is mine!" Third wish:" I want to have a very mild heart attack!!"
Ron from Harry Potter writes a comic. This is the title: The Adventures of Martin Miggs the mad Muggle. This is how it goes: (A Wizard walks out of a chimney to enter his house) Martin:Get a bar you freak! (the same Wizard rides a broom) Martin:Brooms are for mowing the lawn you freak! (the same Wizard gets a letter from an owl) Martin:Get a mailfox you freak! (the same Wizard gets chocolate to make him feel better) Martin:Sick people don't get chocloate,they get chicken poop, you freak! (Harry is done reading the comic) Harry:Eww! I hate to break it to you Ron, but Martin Miggs is more confused than mad. Whoever wrote these needs to bone up on their Muggle studies. Ron:Why? What's wrong? Harry:Well, first off i'm pretty sure the first one should be car,the second one should be brooms are used for sweeping,the third one is supposed to be mailbox, and the fourth one could only be chicken soup. Ron:Soup? Well that makes no sense............ how does a chicken make soup? THE END
Nick Bounty walks into a bar and the bartender says, "We don't serve your kind." Nick Bounty goes outside, ties himself in a knot and frays one end of himself. He walks back into the bar and the bartender says, "Weren't you just in here?" Nick Bounty replies, "No, I'm a frayed knot."